Last night, as I was struggling to fall asleep, I kept thinking about how different my life in college is. The one thing that really stuck was while my eyes were closed. I thought to myself, “What if I open my eyes and this is all a dream?” And of course, I opened my eyes. I didn’t see my old bedroom like I was expecting. I saw some of my dorm (because at this time, it was 11 and really dark) and then closed my eyes again.
I couldn’t help feeling really disappointed that I was in college.
I tell people all the time, “I wish this was the time of knights and castles. I would be okay with over-seeing the slaves, and having a new baby every once in a while.” It’s totally true. If that’s how life was these days, I would be happy. But to be a 19 year old girl (woman?) in college, not pregnant, not married, is sort of throwing me off. I know that the knights and castles idea won’t work for me, and I’m okay with being here in college, but I can’t make myself get used to this place. It feels so temporary. Sometimes I feel like I hardly belong here; that I should be at home or something. I still haven’t reached the point that I feel grown up.
I don’t know if you remember, but back before I moved to Naperville and started college, I was having doubts about whether is was the right thing to do. I’ve read that post several times when I’m feeling restless and it makes me want to get packed up and just leave. When I wrote that so long ago, Kyle asked me if I would really do it. I told him that I wish I could. He replied with, “You know I would just send a search party for you.”
It seems like down-time is the worst thing for me. If I’m constantly doing something, my mind isn’t as free to sift through the possibilities that are in front of me.