Backspace

I’m alone in my room right now, all I hear is the sound of cars driving by.  I want to write, but my head is all blocked up.
…BACKSPACE.  (I’ve written a paragraph but I hate how it sounds.)
Everything I write is overly dramatic.
…BACKSPACE. (And when I add onto that statement, I sound like I’m 12 years old and cutting again.)
Here’s what’s been going on in my life:

We got our reward letters for next year about a week ago.  As many know, college tuition goes up every year.  This year, here at North Central, it’s gone up about $2,000.  My reward letter granted me about $26,000.  One year of attending this place is around $40,000.  If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know me, and my money situation.  My parents didn’t save up for my college education.  My parents didn’t even go to college.  I’m on my own.  Dad isn’t paying for my college; I’m working through this by myself.
This both freaks me out and makes me proud.

It’s possible to work through college; hundreds of people have done it.  But without banks letting me get loans (I don’t have that all-important co-signer), the leftover, i.e. what I have to pay, is too much.
I’ve been thinking about going home, but the thought of switching colleges has made me feel like a failure.  I know if I go home, I’ll get caught up in something that won’t allow me to finish college.  I know too many people there and I feel like they’ll pull me down.  I didn’t do much in high school because (I thought) no one wanted to do anything with me.  But now that I’ve talked to classmates, I found out that I wasn’t a pariah; people tried to get a hold of me to invite me, but couldn’t get through (DIAL-UP INTERNET).  If I went back to that, a place where I felt accepted, school would get pushed to the wayside, especially if I didn’t have to pay (and that was the deal: a free-ride).  I feel like, even though I have no friends here, and I’m stressed to pay for this school, I’m in a good place; a place that I will get through because I have no distractions.  It’s scary, being here without my family, but it’s manageable.

Now, delete all of that stress and fast-forward to yesterday.  I found that I just had to “accept” financial aid, and I’m up to $33,000 (which is what I have this year).  It’s payable (I don’t have a whole lot left over for fun stuff, but I’m handling it, barely).  Add to that the fact that I have $65 in my savings account.  My $1,400 tuition payment is due next month.  STRESS.

I feel like if I talk about this next thing, it’ll go sour and I won’t be as lucky anymore, but I’ll risk it.  I was contacted to be a nanny in Naperville this summer.  It’s a live-in position, plus car, pay, and a set-schedule (allowing me to get a side job, as well).  I was supposed to meet with the lady today, but a gymnastic accident put her daughter in the hospital, and we’re meeting on Monday instead.  Send me good thoughts.  I need this.

As of today, there’s only nineteen days until I get to go home.  I get to see my friends, my puppy (that’s not a puppy, and not mine anymore), and my family.

On the reading front.  I haven’t had much time to read, but I what time I do have, I try to get through “The Land of Painted Caves“.  I have to be honest, you guys, and saying this makes my heart hurt, but.  I hate it.  I’m not sure if I hate it because it’s the last one, or just because the storyline sucks.  (Seriously, in one paragraph, Ayla is holding her baby, the next paragraph, with no extra space, her baby is now 4 years old and talking.)  I feel like Jean Auel rushed through this just to get it published and to get herself some money.  There’s no planning, and it’s just, bad.  There’s also way too many numbers to keep track of, and the characters act different than they’re supposed to.  I’m glad I have it, and I am going to finish it, but I’m probably going to complain.  A lot.

In this past week, I’ve watched some of the Disney movies that have been on my Watch List.  Pocahontas 2 (which was extremely racist and not good at all.), Mulan 2 (better than Pocahontas but it was just too much), and Beauty and the Beast: Belle’s Magical World.  You guys know how much I love Disney, and Belle.  But this movie was GODAWFUL.  Belle acted like a snobby prude, and Beast acted like a huge asshole (pardon my language) to her the entire time.  I couldn’t even get through the entire thing.  I literally stopped it after about thirteen minutes, and put in the original Beauty and the Beast (which I cried about, and I’m not ashamed to admit it).  I checked out “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” one and two today from the library, and I hope they aren’t bad.  (I don’t have much hope for the second one, but both Kyle and my roommate, who is a HUGE Disney buff, even owning stock in the company, say that it’s one of the best.)

I hope you’ll all forgive me for my lack of posting, and hopefully, after this weekend (WORKING from pretty much 7:30 am to 10 pm Saturday and 11 to 4 on Sunday) I’ll be able to write.  This might have been the writer’s block being stabbed in the face with an icepick.

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Tuesday Questions (On a Wednesday)

1.) Mood: Tired, sick, sore.  (Same as last week!)  I’m not feeling well, so I called in and got someone else to cover my shift at work.  Now, I’m sitting at the computer, trying to ignore how crappy I feel.

2.) Do you prefer movies in theater or in the comfort of your own home?  It depends on the movie, but I like both.  I love to go see movies in the theaters because of the experience, but I dislike the price tag.  If it’s a movie that I’ve been waiting to see for awhile (like African Cats!), I’ll stand in line to see it.

3.) Water: Regular or flavored?  At our dining hall, we have little water carafes (is that the right word?) that have water with misc. fruit in them; pineapple, oranges, limes, lemons, grapefruit, and today they had cucumber.  It makes the water a little classier (to me anyways), and makes me want to drink it.  I loved drinking water at home though, straight out of the tap.  And I want to try the whole Mio thing.

4.) Current nail polish: I’m trying a tutorial called “Royal Wedding”.  An OPI matte (in Russian Navy), Rimmel (in Burgundy Flirt), Sally Hansen (Clear coat) and NYC (Little Italy) all go into this.

5.) Who was your best friend in elementary?  Are you still friends today?  I had several; Erica, Lindsey, and Lacey.  Erica is still a best friend, Lacey I don’t really see often, and Lindsey is a friend on Facebook…

6.) Do you sit or stand up to do your makeup/hair?  I prefer to stand up.

7.) Current outfit: Some Refugee jeans, a t-shirt, and a green AE hoodie.

8.) What is your favorite flavor of sucker?  I looove anything grape.  But I also love cherry, blue raspberry, or plain raspberry.  I hate strawberry/banana flavored things.

9.) What’s the most expensive thing on your wish list (beauty or other)?  A camera.  A Canon rebel.

10.) Weekly goals: Get some homework done.

Rut

You guys, I’ve hit a rut.  I have no idea what to blog about, and I dread sitting down and actually taking time to write something.  It’s not like my life has suddenly gone completely dead; it’s the opposite.  I have TONS of things to write about, I just don’t know how.  It’s like writer’s block…horrendous, crippling, never-ending writer’s block.

I have 23 days until I go back home, and I’m so excited that I can’t even think about it without getting nervous; for what, I’m not sure.  I have less than 50 days of school left, and then I will have finished my first year.  What a huge step.

Tuesday Questions

1.) Mood: Tired, sick, sore.  It’s a rainy day and as I walked to and from math this morning, I got completely soaked and haven’t really shook off the chills.  I’ve been lying in bed, but I’m just not warming up.

2.) Do you write in cursive? It’s more of a half cursive/half regular kind of thing.

3.) When was the last time you ate Sour Patch Kids? Wow.  Not that long ago. Probably at the theaters.

4.) Current nail polish: A big nothing!

5.) What is your favorite makeup removing product? The Garnier Nutri-Pure oil-free wipes.  I loove how moisturizing they are.

6.) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? In the morning… If I go to bed with wet hair, it’s aaall messed up in the morning.

7.) Current outfit: Red school capris, long brown t-shirt with American Eagle tan cable knit sweater over top.

8.) Halter tops– yay or nay? Nay.  I used to wear them ALL the time, but now that I’m all grown up (ha!) I’m a bit too old to wear them.

9.) What is your favorite Disney movie? Beauty and the Beast for sure.  Lion King is next up.

10.) Weekly goals: Get my hair cut and colored (tomorrow!), read some books, do well on my people and nature test, and relax over the weekend (as much as possible).

As always, feel free to do your questions in the comments…I love to hear how you all answer these as well!