Staring Me Down

It seems like the last handful of posts have been love lists and Tuesday Questions, and for that I apologize.  I know that they’re the popular posts, but I don’t want my entire blog to be based around them, and I’m sure you want a little more substance, too.

There’s a lot going on in my life right now; the fullest my plate has been since juggling a part-time job and my schoolwork at the same time.

I love my new job.  It’s exhausting and trying sometimes, but it’s so satisfying (yesterday we had a water fight!).  Everyday gets easier, and the flight instinct is fading just a little bit more each day that passes.  I’m becoming more comfortable where I’m at right now, and more comfortable in my own skin.  I thought this sort of comfort level came with age.  I mean, I’m 19 and I’m feeling like I have myself completely figured out.  I have finally put a finger on the feelings (and triggers) that make me want to run away, and I’m so proud of myself for keeping my eyes wide open when it comes to me and how I feel.

On the book front, I’ve been stuck on one book since I was in Vermont.  Stacia gave it to me (it’s the one listed under Reading:).  It’s so so good, but I’m not making much progress in it.  Whenever I sit down to read, I read at least 20 pages, but I think I’m in a black hole, because I’m just not getting any further.  There are five books sitting on my library shelf (books that I’ve checked out) just staring at me (and all but one are on my TBR list).  One of them is “Room” that I couldn’t wait to start, the other is “Daughters of Rome” that was on the “Hot” shelf at the library that looked right up my alley (both of those are from the library), two of them are by Bruce Junek and Tass Thacker (that I’m honestly a little bit scared to read), and the last one is “The Land of Painted Caves” (all three of those are mine that I can keep forever).  That one makes me so guilty.  I see it every single day and I want to pack it away, but it feels like the ultimate betrayal to remove it from sight.  I will finish it someday, guys, and when I do, I’m going to celebrate.  And that celebration may or may not involve throwing the book into the air and being glad to FINALLY be finished with it.

Tuesday Questions

1.) Mood: I’m really mellow.  I’m listening to Def Leppard and it always makes me pretty chill.

2.) What song instantly triggers a memory for you?  Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter.  I’ll hear the beginnings bars of the song, and be transported back to my first real crush, and back to the time I spent my days with my sister in the summer.

3.) If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?  Cry.  A lot.  And then go shopping haha

4.) Current nail polish: Absolutely nothing, not even a clear coat.  I’ve been wearing polish and taking it off and putting it back and taking it off so often that my nails are looked really ragged.  I’ve been rubbing Tattoo Goo (which is good for any skin, not just tattooed skin) into them to moisturize them so they aren’t peeling away bit by bit.

5.) What is something you learned in the last week?  I learned what it feels like to get rear-ended.

6.) What’s the best part of waking up?  The stretch. You know the one where you feel everything pop and it’s really satisfying?  Love that.

7.) Current outfit: White tank top and white athletic shorts.

8.) What does your phone do when you get a text message?  If it’s not on silent, it makes a cute jingling sound and vibrates.  When it’s on silent (like it usually is), it just vibrates.

9.) Where were you born?  I was born in Belle Fourche, South Dakota in a hospital that isn’t there anymore!

10.) Weekly goals: Drink more water (again…I did pretty good last week), read some books, and possibly get plane tickets for San Diego ordered.

Another Weekend

I know my posts have been sporadic this week at best, but I have a totally legit reason.  I’ve been getting into the swing of playing nanny with the kids; taking them to and from practice, riding bikes, playing games, etc, and I haven’t had a whole lot of time to sit down and blog.  My busiest days are Tuesday and Thursday, so if you don’t get posts on Thursdays, don’t be too upset with me.  Tuesday Questions, however, will almost always be up on Tuesdays (except the few that make it up on Wednesday) because I try to do them Monday night to be posted early Tuesday morning.  Anyways, I’m looking forward to the weekend, relaxing and maybe hanging out with friends (I hope!).  Time for the love list:

1. Bright Lipstick.  In the tutorial I did for you guys not too long ago, I suggested wearing a bright lip with the eye look because it was a huge thing for summer.  I got positive comments on that, and now I’m in love with a bright lip!  I only have one lipstick that’s bright (“Fuchsia” by Revlon) but I love wearing it.  I never really do anything different with my eye make-up (which is almost always neutral) so the bright lip looks awesome.

(It’s a cell phone picture because my camera won’t capture the true color of this lipstick.)

2. Trampolines.  I never had a trampoline when I was a kid, and I relished the times when we went somewhere there was one.  I was always a little bit scared because I’m scared of heights, but it’s so fun to just jump.  Good thing the kids are gymnasts, because there’s a big trampoline in the backyard.  And they all like when I jump with them.

3.  Hummus.  I can’t say enough good things about hummus.  Not only is it healthy, but it’s easy to snack on and tastes awesome.  I tried lemon hummus in Vermont (which was very good on lime tortilla chips) and here, it’s plain hummus on pita chips.  Yum.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend, and I’ll see you again on Monday!

Wanderlust

I know you’re all sick of me complaining about what I have, but here it is again.  The confession to shock you all.  I don’t want to go back to school.  I don’t want to spend three more years stuck in the same place.  I don’t want to pay for a piece of paper that may or may not guarantee a job later in life that I may or may not be happy at.

I feel itchy (and I’m most definitely not talking about the mosquito bites I’m covered in, hah).  I have wanderlust something bad, and I don’t think I’ve ever known what I’ve wanted.  My emotions are at war with the expectations I’ve internalized.  Is this how everyone feels?  I’m a walking contradiction; I’m lonely, but I want to be by myself.  I long to be happy, but I’m perfectly content with being unhappy.  I’m scared to leave, but even more afraid to stay.  I need something to change.

Tuesday Questions

1.) Mood: Happy!  It’s been a good day; driving the kids to practice, picking them up, hanging out…It’s the first day of summer!

2.) What’s your ideal summer? I always work in the summer, so I’m not content unless I am.  I like to spend a lot of time outside working (I think it would be so fun to work in a plant nursery).  I love going on car rides with the windows down and music up loud, and I like to be outside when it’s balmy and dark.

3.) What SPF do you use?  I prefer to use 50 and up because I burn really quick (and I like my pale skin), but any sunscreen is good sunscreen.

4.) Current nail polish: I have Sally Hansen French Tip White” on my ring fingers, and Avon’s “Crystal Calm” on all the rest (I did have black where the crystal calm is, but I let the girls paint my nails).

5.) A fact about you: My teeth are extremely sensitive.  I prefer to drink room temperature drinks because of it.  It takes me a long time to eat ice cream, because I have to warm it up in my mouth before I can really swallow it without pain.  When it’s cold outside, it hurts to open my mouth.

6.) Do you have a make up “look” that you do everyday, or do you change it up?  I don’t wear makeup everyday, but when I do, it’s a pretty consistent look; concealer, champagne eyeshadow on my eyes, same eyeshadow used as a highlight on my cheekbones, under the brows, down the nose and across the cupid’s bow, and topped off with a few coats of mascara.  (It’s actually what I’m wearing now, super fast and simple, and its a good look on me.)

7.) Current outfit: Black Bermuda shorts, and a blue plaid button up over a black tank top.  I’m also rocking major mosquito bites gone bad.

8.) What earrings are you wearing right now?  I’m wearing the studs that I was pierced with in the new holes, nothing in the one under that, some small green studs in the next hole, and I have my green/blue gauges in the bottom.  I don’t have anything in the top two holes in the cartilage.

9.) What can you spend hours doing…and not notice the time passing? I can spend so much time on the computer, listening to music, watching videos that it’s not even funny.  I can also read or chill outside.

10.) Weekly goals: Spend some time working out (to get my abs uncovered!), eat better, and drink more water.

Weekend

My vacation in Vermont is drawing to a close, and by the time I blog again, I’ll be back home in Naperville (my flight is tomorrow at about noon).  I start my new job on Monday (basically a shadow day so I know where I need to take the kids for gymnastics and whatnot), and on Tuesday, I’ll be a legit nanny.  As much as I love it here, I’m excited to be back in the town I’ve called home for the past year, and see the familiar places and people (and drive the Mini again!).  Now for the love list:

1. Sleeping.  I was never a napping person.  Usually, when the sun comes up, I’m awake not much later.  But while I was here in Vermont, I stayed up late (3ish was when I fell asleep) and got up late (not before noon).  And if I was in the car anytime during the day (which was pretty often), I was falling asleep.  All this sleep has done great things for my skin though.  I’ve always had dark circles, and the stress and sleeplessness of college made them look like giant bruises.  Well, here in Vermont, they’re GONE.  I don’t even have to use concealer there anymore!

2. Yogurt.  I’ve always had a love affair with yogurt; whenever it’s around, I eat it.  In school, I didn’t have the money to keep it in the fridge.  When we were shopping for the time I was here in Vermont, we picked up a lot of yogurt for me.  I eat at least one cup a day (other days, I eat up to four), and I’ve discovered how much I love Greek yogurt.  It doesn’t matter what flavor it is, I’ll eat it.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert.  I’m going to have yogurt withdrawals when I get back to Naperville.

3. Hot showers.  It’s been a little rainy and cold here in Vermont, and in the mornings, I’ve been taking hot showers (super hot, like my-skin-looks-like-a-lobster hot).  If you remember, a few weeks ago, I was loving ice cold showers.  It’s weird to think that one week I have to take cold showers so I don’t die from heat, and the next week I have to take hot showers so I don’t freeze!  I’m waiting for the weather to make it’s mind up…

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend (and I hope you all get the weather you’re wishing for!), and I’ll see you all again on Monday with pictures of Vermont!

Suffocate

I would be lying if I said that last night was easy.

It started out okay, with me sitting and reading in the living room and then moving to my room when everyone went to bed.  I crawled into bed like always, plugged my headphones in, and started my music.  Normally, there’s someone to talk to me, but no one was on, so I did what any normal person would do; Facebook stalking.  I stalked and stalked and stalked (for those who don’t know what that is, you basically just look at everything on someone’s profile; comments, pictures, what they wrote on other people’s walls, etc.  You really learn a lot about people by doing it).  When I got to the point of being bored, I started stalking myself (I’m not sure if this is normal).

That was the tipping point.  I found photos on Facebook, and I’m not smart enough to stop there.  I headed to my collection (HUGE COLLECTION) of photos, and before I knew it, I was in February 13 and 14, 2011.  Valentine’s Day.  Our three year anniversary.  (The crushing feeling is back just thinking about it.)  My throat closed up and I got an unbelievably painful ache in the top of my mouth.  It felt like there was someone sitting on my chest, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t dislodge the feeling.  Taking a breath was painful, and I was getting a little dizzy.  But I didn’t stop in my perusal of pictures, and found more and more of us.  The feeling intensified and I couldn’t see past the glaze of tears.  I rubbed my eyes like crazy, but that glaze was there to stay.

I felt like I was suffocating and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  It felt like I had ingested a lethal amount of cement and it was only a matter of minutes before I would be completely solid.  I laid there, begging my body to just be right again.  My arms and legs were leaden; lifting them was a feat.

At that point, I headed to the kitchen.  I dragged myself from the tangle of sheets, and stumbled from the room.  I can’t even remember what I gathered up, but I ate so much that this morning, I’m regretting it.  I stuffed myself full and then continued to eat.  I felt sick but kept eating.  I don’t know what I was trying to do, but I was shoveling food into my mouth like I was a machine.  I told myself many times to stop, but my legs kept taking me to the kitchen, my arms kept gathering more food for me to consume, and my hands transferred it to my mouth.

I finally tried to sleep (after many people told me to), and although I had a hard time, I dropped off in the end.  My dreams still haunt me.  They were full of insults and rejections; sharp jabs that make me sick to my stomach still.

I didn’t know it would be this hard.  I thought I hit the point where everything was as low as it could get, but I’ve never felt so low in my life.  I’ve never felt so sick about myself.  I’m in the most beautiful state in the U.S., but all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay in my room all day.  I don’t want to go back to Naperville because I’m afraid that everything I see will remind me of us.

Now I understand why, when people hear about the breakup, they ask “Are you staying in Naperville?”.  I never got why they would ask me something like that, when it was obvious that I loved the school that I’m attending.  Now I get it.

But I am staying in Naperville.  I’m staying at the college (even though he’s housed in the same building as me next year) that I’ve fallen in love with.  I’m happy there; even through this pain, I know that much.

And, before you offer, I don’t want your sympathy.  I don’t want your pity.  I don’t want you to console me.  I didn’t write this so people would think, “Oh, that poor girl, she’s having a really hard time.”  I know I’m having a hard time, if I expected any different, I would be an idiot.  I dedicated so many years to him; there was no other way a breakup could have ended.  I wrote this for myself.  A step that I could look back on and wonder how someone could get so low.  I wrote this so I could get a handle on my emotions.

I apologize if it’s too messy for you; it’s messy for me too, but that’s the way it goes.