Rated R -WARNING-

Extremely explosive language in an overdrawn (and overdue) rant.

To every fuckface in the internet world-

Hiding behind a screen name does not make you tough, and it does not grant you the right to talk down to anyone else in this world.  I highly doubt you would say a FRACTION of the things you say online in real life.

At this point, this isn’t directed only at the fucking idiots online, it’s directed at every single person who has tried to tear someone else down.  I know I’m not completely innocent, but I have the decency to keep most awful thoughts to myself.  And here it goes, my mind is sliding, and I’m ridiculously angry.

Who the FUCK are you to point fingers, and post personal shit online?  Who the FUCK are you to dedicate an entire blog to a woman who has been fighting her entire life?  Who the FUCK are you to fucking post hateful comments and send hate mail, and to hate someone you’ve never met for no good reason?  Who the fuck raised these people?  Who bred this hostility, this violence inside them?

You are useless.  You are a fucking waste of space.  You’re breathing my fucking air, and you’re tainting it with your disgusting existence.  If I could kick you in the fucking throat, I’d smash the shit out of your windpipe.

The more I write, the angrier I get.  The more I write, the more I think about how badly I was treated throughout high school.  This rant about haters mistreating a good friend of mine online, has turned into a huge FUCK YOU to everyone who has ever said a bad thing to me.  I take it personally that these people attack my friends, and I find it pathetic that they think they’re in the right when they post bank information and shit that’s FUCKING ILLEGAL YOU STUPID CUNTS.

Just a few weeks ago, I was going through old pictures of me from high school, and I realized that I was cute.  That I was smart and funny and I looked good.  Yet I was catching shit from every girl in my class (and in the entire high school, really), and I was going home crying most days, confused as to why I was being treated so badly.

Seriously?  Were you so threatened by me that you had to smash my self-esteem?  Send me home in tears?  I was fucking cutting myself when I was 13 years old, I was in counseling around the same time, and I can tell you, I needed that shit to escape the mental rapes you fucking people put me through everyday.

No wonder I still hate your fucking guts.  Don’t fucking add me on Facebook, don’t smile and tell me how much you missed me when you see me in person; I’m not falling for your sugary sweet bullshit that you shovel to everyone.  All of you are disgusting; you were fucking nasty in high school, and you’ve only gotten worse.  You look like you’re  a new breed of human with that skin color, those faces you make aren’t attractive, and mustaches aren’t cool, you fucking idiots.  God luck finding a job when your profile picture is you drinking out of a box of wine.

Any who, back to the fucktards who hide behind screen names-

Fuck you all.  I would literally hunt every single one of your 12 year old asses down to slaughter, but in this country, that’s illegal.  I think it’s sort of funny how you dedicate that much time to hating a single person, but obviously, you have nothing better to do with your time, and all you are is a pathetic excuse for a human being.  I’d wish you good luck in your life,but I don’t think you’ll ever have one.  If I was leader, I’d cut you into tiny pieces and scatter you along the side of the road for the birds to snack on.  But alas, I am not, and I will settle for one final FUCK YOU.

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As If

As if the last hair change wasn’t drastic enough.

After waking up yesterday and being really off, I realized that I needed a change.  The one thing that I can change without needing permission (not that I really need permission for anything I do, but I digress) is my hair.  And change it I did.

I buzzed it off while listening to dubstep and bouncing in front of the mirror.  I left a lot of the top, but after watching “V for Vendetta”, I wanted to buzz it all off (but I restrained myself).

I like it.  It’s so soft.

(This is the part in the movie where I’m institutionalized.)

Easy

The last few days have been so good, but like a little kid on a sugar high, I knew I had to crash sometime.

Last night, I felt so much like myself that I got my Hellhat out, and was working on it while I watched TV.  I knit probably 3-4 rows before I felt really tired, and crawled into bed.  Getting in bed only made me feel irritated and uneasy.  I fumed while I listened to the guy in the room above me make a massive amount of noise, and I was this close to going up there.

I didn’t even attempt to stay up late like I usually do, and instead, fell asleep, having uncomfortable dreams that make me a bit sick to my stomach to think about.

I’ve forgotten the small details; the color of your eyes up close, how your skin feels, how you smell.  It hurts to know I can’t form a coherent image in my head.

It’s so easy to stay in bed all day, to cry into my pillow, listen to songs that I can relate to.