My Secret

I haven’t written in so long, and I feel like I’ve completely lost my, how do you say, je ne sais quoi?  Mojo? (I watched Austin Powers today.) I’m not sure, but I feel like I don’t belong in the blogging world anymore.  I feel like I have to start from scratch and all that I’ve written in the past is somehow erased from the record and I have no legitimate reason to blog.

I know, it’s stupid, but it’s been so long, that I’ve almost forgotten how to structure sentences, how to order my thoughts into something that everyone can relate to.  Because what’s the point in writing if no one can relate to what you’re saying?

Anyways, I’ve reached the point where I missed writing; I’ve battled with emotions and without my outlet, my blogging, I think I’m a bit more unstable than I was before….which is a slightly terrifying thought.

I’m officially an adult now, and I feel just as confused as ever.  Weird, because every year I gain, I feel like I’m just getting younger or something.  I have no idea.

But really, the purpose of this post was not to complain about me (though it always turns out that way) but to make an announcement.  Most everyone knows; the people friends with me on facebook, and most of my family, except the ones I’m afraid to tell, and this post will ell the last ones, I’m sure.

(It’s also going to spread it to all the lovely people I’m not friends with on Facebook, and that’s part of the reason I’ve waited so long to post it.)

It’s also so awkward saying this, because it’s still new to me, but yes, I’m pregnant.  Knocked up, in a family way, expecting, having a baby….I’m running out of ways to say it.

Oh man, I can feel the waves of disappointment coming my way already.  It’s really quite horrible, right?  Let’s see: “I had such a bright future”, “I had so many things going for me”, “I’m too young”, “How am I going to support a baby?”, etc.  I heard all that stuff in my head as soon as I saw my positive pregnancy test, so I really don’t need to hear/see it anymore.

It’s funny though, because I’m the last one I expected to get pregnant.  I mean, not because I didn’t want to, because I’ve always been the baby-crazy girl for as long as I can remember, but because I used to have this wall blocking that part of me making decisions.  I had expected to be in college until at least 2014 (maybe longer, with the Master’s/PhD), and I expected traveling in my future.  I still want all of that (especially to finish my degree), but it’s been shoved to the back-burner with this new development.

I don’t know what else to say about it.  I’m due May 8th, I’m planning a home-birth with a midwife (like I always wanted), I find out the gender in mid-December, I’m 16 weeks along.

I went through the required uneasiness and being unsure about what was happening (and it lasted a lot longer than I care to admit), and I guess now I’m accustomed to the idea.  But sometimes, I realize that I am indeed going to become a mother, and go through moments of awe, but also moments of sheer terror.

As you may know, I grew up without a mother, and it’s taken a long time to get over the hurt/rejection issues (mostly because I tried to shove them under a rug and pretend they didn’t exist), and I’m still a work in progress on that front.  But I’m scared that I won’t be a good mother because I didn’t have one.  My sister has pointed out that she didn’t have one either, and she’s made a good mother, but I’m still worried that I’m going to mess up, and my kid will have the same issues (or diferent ones) that I had growing up.  And I don’t want that at all.  I want to be a good parent, but I know that I’ve got the odds stacked against me.

I’m sure every pregnant person goes through these feelings, and I’m trying not to let them overwhelm me by surrounding myself with positive people/situations, but it’s hard to ignore the feelings of inadequacy.  I’ve got a long time to confront these thoughts before the baby comes, but like I’ve said before, I’m a work in progress.  (It’s not an excuse, it’s my motto.  It’s easier to work through highs and lows when I remind myself that I’m still changing and evolving and most mistakes won’t matter in a year, five years, ten years, etc.)

The feelings aren’t the only things that have been tough during this pregnancy; pretty much the whole experience has been miserable thus far.  I’ve been getting all the “bad” symptoms, and I haven’t quite reached the cliche “happy, glowing pregnant lady” stage.  I was lucky to avoid the morning sickness until about week nine, and even then, I’ve only thrown up a few times, but I was nauseous the whole damn day.  Most of the unpleasant symptoms (goodbye sore boobs!) are fading with the arrival of the second trimester, and I’ve started to gain a little bit of weight (not counting the massive increase in cup size…), and baby has been wiggling in me for a week or so now.  Most days, I can clearly see the lump that is baby, but it also looks like I just ate too much.  I’m breaking out like a teenager (‘m so glad I missed this stage in high school!), but my skin is also drier than the damn desert.  The foods that I used to enjoy the most are now on the shit-list, and I’m constantly trying to find foods that fill me up but also fill my vitamin requirement (prenatals just make me sick).

Some days I like the dog, most days I want to just get rid of her (and Kenny is a good sport about it).  My moods are a giant roller coaster for all of us; I throw fits over the tiniest things and then end up laughing about how ridiculous I am.  I can easily go to bed at 6 p.m. but I wake up at 6-8 a.m. no matter when I fall asleep.  I drool more than any dog or baby I’ve ever met, and let’s not even talk about the gas.

So yea, that’s pretty much everything you’ve missed in my absence.

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