Backspace

I’m alone in my room right now, all I hear is the sound of cars driving by.  I want to write, but my head is all blocked up.
…BACKSPACE.  (I’ve written a paragraph but I hate how it sounds.)
Everything I write is overly dramatic.
…BACKSPACE. (And when I add onto that statement, I sound like I’m 12 years old and cutting again.)
Here’s what’s been going on in my life:

We got our reward letters for next year about a week ago.  As many know, college tuition goes up every year.  This year, here at North Central, it’s gone up about $2,000.  My reward letter granted me about $26,000.  One year of attending this place is around $40,000.  If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know me, and my money situation.  My parents didn’t save up for my college education.  My parents didn’t even go to college.  I’m on my own.  Dad isn’t paying for my college; I’m working through this by myself.
This both freaks me out and makes me proud.

It’s possible to work through college; hundreds of people have done it.  But without banks letting me get loans (I don’t have that all-important co-signer), the leftover, i.e. what I have to pay, is too much.
I’ve been thinking about going home, but the thought of switching colleges has made me feel like a failure.  I know if I go home, I’ll get caught up in something that won’t allow me to finish college.  I know too many people there and I feel like they’ll pull me down.  I didn’t do much in high school because (I thought) no one wanted to do anything with me.  But now that I’ve talked to classmates, I found out that I wasn’t a pariah; people tried to get a hold of me to invite me, but couldn’t get through (DIAL-UP INTERNET).  If I went back to that, a place where I felt accepted, school would get pushed to the wayside, especially if I didn’t have to pay (and that was the deal: a free-ride).  I feel like, even though I have no friends here, and I’m stressed to pay for this school, I’m in a good place; a place that I will get through because I have no distractions.  It’s scary, being here without my family, but it’s manageable.

Now, delete all of that stress and fast-forward to yesterday.  I found that I just had to “accept” financial aid, and I’m up to $33,000 (which is what I have this year).  It’s payable (I don’t have a whole lot left over for fun stuff, but I’m handling it, barely).  Add to that the fact that I have $65 in my savings account.  My $1,400 tuition payment is due next month.  STRESS.

I feel like if I talk about this next thing, it’ll go sour and I won’t be as lucky anymore, but I’ll risk it.  I was contacted to be a nanny in Naperville this summer.  It’s a live-in position, plus car, pay, and a set-schedule (allowing me to get a side job, as well).  I was supposed to meet with the lady today, but a gymnastic accident put her daughter in the hospital, and we’re meeting on Monday instead.  Send me good thoughts.  I need this.

As of today, there’s only nineteen days until I get to go home.  I get to see my friends, my puppy (that’s not a puppy, and not mine anymore), and my family.

On the reading front.  I haven’t had much time to read, but I what time I do have, I try to get through “The Land of Painted Caves“.  I have to be honest, you guys, and saying this makes my heart hurt, but.  I hate it.  I’m not sure if I hate it because it’s the last one, or just because the storyline sucks.  (Seriously, in one paragraph, Ayla is holding her baby, the next paragraph, with no extra space, her baby is now 4 years old and talking.)  I feel like Jean Auel rushed through this just to get it published and to get herself some money.  There’s no planning, and it’s just, bad.  There’s also way too many numbers to keep track of, and the characters act different than they’re supposed to.  I’m glad I have it, and I am going to finish it, but I’m probably going to complain.  A lot.

In this past week, I’ve watched some of the Disney movies that have been on my Watch List.  Pocahontas 2 (which was extremely racist and not good at all.), Mulan 2 (better than Pocahontas but it was just too much), and Beauty and the Beast: Belle’s Magical World.  You guys know how much I love Disney, and Belle.  But this movie was GODAWFUL.  Belle acted like a snobby prude, and Beast acted like a huge asshole (pardon my language) to her the entire time.  I couldn’t even get through the entire thing.  I literally stopped it after about thirteen minutes, and put in the original Beauty and the Beast (which I cried about, and I’m not ashamed to admit it).  I checked out “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” one and two today from the library, and I hope they aren’t bad.  (I don’t have much hope for the second one, but both Kyle and my roommate, who is a HUGE Disney buff, even owning stock in the company, say that it’s one of the best.)

I hope you’ll all forgive me for my lack of posting, and hopefully, after this weekend (WORKING from pretty much 7:30 am to 10 pm Saturday and 11 to 4 on Sunday) I’ll be able to write.  This might have been the writer’s block being stabbed in the face with an icepick.

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Insidious Thunderstorms

Kyle and I went to see Insidious last night at 7:20, and the instant I sat down, I knew I didn’t want to stay.  I turned to Kyle and, halfway joking and halfway not, said “I don’t wanna see this…Can we go to something else?”  It succeeded in scaring the crap out of me, although the end hour was pretty cliche.

On the way home, we drove down a scary road with forest on one side, and low lighting.  Kyle rolled down my window and I freaked out (i.e. screamed a bloodcurdling scream and slammed against the window in a effort to make it stop going down, therefore popping it off its tracks, and then crying the rest of the way home).

I knew that going to bed was going to be an ordeal, especially since there were the slight rumblings of a thunderstorm in the distance.  I fell asleep, feeling not good.

I woke up not much later (at about 1:30) and was terrified.  Absolutely, clutching the sheets, scared out of my head.  I was looking around, and my roommate was not back yet.  I searched the room from my bed, looking in every dark spot (which weren’t many because the lamp was on).  My window was open (its too hot for it to be closed), and the wind was making posters and papers on the wall flap wildly.  I texted my roommate, and she told me that she was out in the lobby because she didn’t want to wake me up.  I resisted the urge to beg her to come to the room so I wouldn’t be alone.

I lay in bed, falling asleep randomly then jerking awake.  I called Kyle at 2 a.m. but he wasn’t awake still.  I thought about leaving my room and going to Kyle’s, but was too scared to get out of bed.

Finally, my roommate comes in, and shuts the lamp off.  I still can’t sleep.  Things that are completely normal are freaking me out, and the fear of falling asleep and astro-traveling (main feature in Insidious) and being stuck somewhere bad keep me jerking awake.

At 3, I hear the growlings of my computer (which is completely normal, partly because I left a disc in), but they sound so malignant and evil that I get chills listening to them.  I yank back the blankets and get out of bed.  I pull the computer open and shut it off.

I still couldn’t fall asleep.  The building is fairly shaking with the storm, and my bed doesn’t feel safe to me anymore.  The rustlings of my roommate sleeping finally lull me to sleep, and I dream of nameless things trying to get me.

I don’t think I should be watching scary movies when a storm front is heading to town.

Flashback

Kyle took me to Paranormal Activity 2 last night.  I was excited at first, but as the movie progressed, I got more and more anxious.  Several parts made me tear up because I was so scared, and other parts made me jump and twist, almost breaking Kyle’s hand and wrist, which I was holding very tightly.

After the movie, we walked back to the car, with me avoiding the puddles because my shoes are so worn out, rain would seep in.  Rain was standing in huge puddles; everything was wet.

We started to drive back to Kyle’s house, and I was catching up on texts from during the movie.

All of a sudden, during a turn, the car started fishtailing on the wet road.  It went to one side, and I saw Kyle jerk the wheel to the other side.  It went on like that for what seemed like hours, but was only actually a few seconds.  The car straightened out, and I heard Kyle give an audible sigh of relief.

I started screaming at him, telling him that you don’t jerk the wheel, that’s what makes you flip.  And then I lost it.  I started sobbing uncontrollably, my entire body shaking, hot tears streaming down my face.  I was gripping my phone with one hand, and the handle of the door with the other.  I couldn’t make myself let go of either, even though my hands were cold, and hurt really bad from holding so tightly.  Kyle’s hand was on my thigh, comforting me with its warmth.

The scene of my car accident kept playing through my head, an endless loop that terrified me.

I was so mad.  How dare he tell me that I can’t hang out with my friends!  I took both hands off the wheel, kept my foot on the gas, and looked down at my phone, furiously typing a response before I ran out of service.  I looked up, just to check if I was on the road.  The speedometer caught my eye.  I was going 73, and the speed limit was 65.  I was going off the road.

Instinct told me to get back on the road, and I jerked the wheel, a sickening feeling roiling in my gut.  I started fishtailing.  I knew what was coming before it even happened.  My 2 month old puppy was in the car.

The car kept fishtailing, and then I was airborne.  My life flashed before my eyes; I see my dad, my brother, my sister, my nephew, my grandma, and then finally, I see Kyle.  I had my eyes open, and I kept telling myself, “This can’t be happening to me.  It’s so unfair to die.”

The metal of the car smashing into the ground, top than bottom, top than bottom, over and over made me scream.  The scream still echoes in my head.

The windshield shatters, spraying glass chips and dirt all over my face.  I finally close my eyes, holding tight to the steering wheel.  I taste dirt in my mouth and stop screaming.

The car finally stops slamming into the ground.

The window on my side is smashed so small, but I tell myself, “If your head can fit out, so can the rest of you.”  I reach for my seat belt, scared that it won’t open.  It clicks, and without thinking of the glass all over, without thinking about my dog, I drag myself out the window.

It’s a tight fit, but I manage to squirm enough to get out.

Once the ground is beneath my feet, I look around.  The car is almost buried under the dirt it dug up.  There’s glass everywhere, glinting in the sun.  I see the chrome of my phone and hurry towards it.

I fall to the ground, crawling to the edge of the road, trying to get away from the car.

The wheels are still spinning.  I feel like if I touched them, they would burn me.

I sit, mesmerized by the sight of my blood dripping.  It rolls down my arm, and then drips onto the grass, where it rolls down the stalk, and soaks into the dirt.

I see Salem up on a hill in the distance.  He’s sitting there, watching me.  He’s so small.

I call home.  I’m hyperventilating, and I can’t make my mouth form the words it needs to form.  My grandma, who answered, hands the phone to my dad just as a car slams to a stop and people get out.

The women rush to me, holding me, asking me if I’m okay.  Someone takes the phone from my hand and tells my dad that I’m alright but he needs to come.  The directions are wrong.  I try to explain that I’m “up top”, but the man ignores me.

Before long, there are cars everywhere, people swarming me, taking my hand, holding my neck.  A man is holding Salem, who is whining and fighting to get to me.  I hear the man talk to Salem, “Whoa buddy, she’s alright, look, there she is.  You’re okay, little guy.”

Then my dad is there, yelling my name, asking questions.  I can’t breathe, let alone explain what just happened to me.

I make Pat call Kyle; I expect him to be freaking out, not knowing where I am.  I tell dad that I was texting him, in a halting sort of way.

They strap me to a board, my blood is all over people’s hands.  The color is the only thing I’m able to focus on.

Finally, we get back to Kyle’s house.  I step out of the car, shaky.  My legs are jelly, unable to hold my weight.  We get inside the house, Kyle’s mom ruffles my hair, telling me that it’s cute when it’s down.  Then she sees my face and her voice holds a note of panic when she asks, “What happened?”  Kyle explains.  She asks if we’re okay, if we hit anything, etc.  While he explains, I escape to the bathroom to compose myself.  My face is white, my mascara is streaming down my cheeks, and caught in the hollows under my eyes.

When I come out, everything is suddenly okay, and I try to forget.  I make some tea to calm my body down, which is still shaking.  While we sit at the table, Kyle’s mom is across from me.  I feel her watching me.  I look up when she asks, “Did it remind you of your accident?”

I look away, but I nod.  I change the subject.

Then, while our laundry is finishing up, we watch Hercules.  I feel better.  We head back to the dorms when the movie finishes up, and go to bed.  I don’t dream, which is a relief.

On a lighter note:  I got some new makeup bags, because I’ve ordered new makeup.  They’re super cute.

They’re from Wal-Mart, and the brand is Modella.  I can’t wait to fill them up with all my new makeup.

The big bag will be the main case.  The second one, I haven’t really decided what I’m going to do with, and the smallest bag with hold my brushes, when I get some.

The Saga of Barbecue Sauce

When we decided to go and see “The Last Exorcism”, we left the house early to go to the theater, and we were about an hour early when we got there.  Deciding that we were hungry, Kyle took me to McDonald’s because I was craving chicken mcnuggets.  I wanted the greasy french fries, chicken, and a few tubs of barbecue sauce to dip everything in.  I had the latest Cosmo with me, and while Kyle was in getting a sandwich, I was sitting in the car, reading Cosmo, and eating the salty, greasy fries.  When I finally got around to opening the bag and looking inside for my chicken, I noticed that there was NO barbecue sauce!  After throwing a major fit, Kyle drove back to McDonald’s, and went through the drive-thru.  When they asked what we needed, we told them that they forgot our sauce, and we needed some.  They told us to drive to the second window.  When we got there, the people inside looked at us, and then walked away.

We sat, waiting for them to come back with the sauce, but they never did.  I kept telling Kyle to knock on the glass, but he wouldn’t.  We were complaining the whole time we waited.  There was also a car behind us, waiting to get to the window to get their food.

Finally, the people stopped in the room of the window to talk and fill up the container holding cups, and Kyle knocked on the glass.  Annoyed, the lady opens the glass window and waits for us to talk.

“Barbecue sauce.”  Kyle says.

“Oh, you want barbecue sauce?”  The lady asks innocently.

“Yes.”  Kyle says, in his best annoyed voice.

She hands us the barbecue sauce, and I’m happy.

Even though the chicken mcnuggets were cold.

Oh, and the movie was pretty good.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around the ending though.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

The Last Exorcism

I could get used to days like this.  Days spent mostly in bed, waking up to come downstairs and bask in the light.  Nights spent in the basement watching scary movies in the dark.

Speaking of scary movies in the dark, Kyle and I are going to go and see “The Last Exorcism” tonight.  It came out last Friday, and he’s been wanting to see it for awhile.  I just like watching scary movies with him.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

My To-Do List

I haven’t been so good at blogging lately, and for that, I’m sorry.  I’m always finding something that I would rather do, and I don’t get around to blogging all that often.

Right now, Kyle is going to a doctor’s appointment to get shots, and today is my last day in Naperville.  I should be packing while he’s gone, but I can’t make myself do it right now.  There’s so many things I told myself, before coming to Naperville, I would do, such as getting a loan for the last $4000 of tuition, opening a bank account, and getting my phone switched over, but so far, none of these things have happened.  It’s frustrating, because I’m running out of time to do everything, and if I don’t get a loan, I’m not going to be able to go to college.  I need to figure out what I want to leave here, such as clothes, shoes, etc, so I can have more room for stuff I still need to bring, but I feel strange leaving things here, kind of like I shouldn’t be doing it.  But I guess I should get over that and get my stuff together.

There are other things I need to do at home, as well, and I hope I have the time to get everything done.  I need to take Salem to the shelter, pack everything that I’m not taking, and put it in storage, get my car stuff figured out, clean my room, see about possibly getting a loan from the Hulett bank, and closing my bank account and taking out the money to start an account in Naperville.  I also have to pay my cell phone bill, exchange all of my change for cash, and order checks for a new account (which sucks, because I still have several boxes of unused checks for my Hulett account).

I didn’t sleep so well last night, and this morning I’m sore.  Yesterday, I went to yoga with Kyle’s mom.  I was excited to go, because I figured, hey, it’s yoga, it can’t be that hard.  But when we got started, I was shocked at how hard it actually is.  It’s hard for me, as a beginning, to hold poses, but I didn’t really have trouble getting into them.  It was fun, and relaxing, and I’m glad I went.  Even though I’m sore today, I want to go again, because it was such a peaceful environment, with soft music and low lighting.  The instructor was fun, and she only corrected me three times.

Last night, Kyle and I watched “The Girl Next Door” on Netflix.  From the comments, we expected it to be pretty disturbing, but apparently, we aren’t shocked by the same things other people are.  It’s loosely based on the story of Sylvia Likens, and her murder.  It was a little bit chilling, and some parts shocked the hell out of me.  There’s another film (“An American Crime“) that is closer to the actual story, and now I really want to watch that.

I’m off to eat some breakfast, and get my things together.  Wish me luck.

Wok This Way…

Using this recipe, Pat and I created Orange Chicken for dinner yesterday. While Pat cut the chicken into cubes, I whisked the eggs, mixed the flour, salt and pepper, and made the orange sauce, which turned out really tangy, thanks to my additions to the recipe (hello extra oj!). After Pat had finished cutting up the chicken, he dunked each piece into the egg, then the flour mixture, and built a little chicken igloo out of the entire thing. It was like a really slow assembly line. Then, he used the wok to fry everything, begging me every few minutes to “add more oil! It’s sticking!”

I also made a really yummy smoothie with fresh blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, apple and orange and the rest of the oj I didn’t use in the orange sauce. I blended all the fruits with the juice, and then when it was nice and smooth, I poured it through a strainer to get rid of all the seeds. I put the newly smooth mixture back into the blender and added a few (huge) scoops of vanilla ice cream and blended until everything was mixed. It was really refreshing after eating the chicken (which I put rice and soy sauce on. I didn’t eat the actual orange sauce.) and yesterday it was about 90 degrees outside, so the smoothie was cool and thick, and absolutely delicious.

While we ate the chicken (we even fried up the fat in the leftover egg and flour mixture for the dog), we watched “The Blind Side” which I hadn’t seen. Both the chicken and the movie were really good.


This morning, I made pancakes with fresh blueberries. The blueberries oozed while the batter cooked, and every bite had a blueberry in it. I ate those while I watched “Tooth Fairy” with Dwayne Johnson. I love Dwayne Johnson.