Unsure

January 11th, 2011 was a big day for my friends back home; Brandon and his girlfriend Shelby had their first baby.  He was a month early, but is healthy.  His name is Brayden Lee and I can’t wait to meet him.

Along with seeing this brand new baby and the love that Shelby has for him, I can’t help but feel envious.  I’m proud of her for having him (because she’s still finishing high school), and for surviving the difficult birth process, but every time I see a picture of him, or read a text from her about the baby, I get jealous.  But I can’t even describe the feeling as jealous; it’s more than jealousy.  It’s like this feeling that she’s so much better/happier.  She has every right to be happy because she just had this miracle happen, but I still can’t get over how young and immature I feel for not having a baby.

Now, enter “We Need to Talk About Kevin” into this picture.  I’m only 116 pages in (out of 400), but already this book is living up to its place on the list of “The 10 Most Disturbing Books of All Time“.  I can separate fact from fiction, and this books isn’t even based on a true story, but it’s pulling me in.  At points, I want to cry.  Other times, I want to punch the wall because it makes me angry.  And then other times, I feel numb, cold; like I’ll never be able to feel emotions again.

Already I can say that I would not recommend this book to anyone unsure about having children.  I, someone who has wanted kids from the moment I knew they existed, am suddenly unsure that babies are right for me.  I keep picturing them like the character in the book does;

Ever notice how many films portray pregnancy as an infestation, as colonization by stealth?  Rosemary’s Baby was just the beginning.  In Alien, a foul extraterrestrial claws its way out of John Hurt’s belly.  In Mimic, a woman gives birth to a two-foot maggot.  Later, the X-Files turn bug-eyes aliens bursting gorily from human midsections into a running theme.  In horror and sci-fi, the host is consumed or rent, reduced to a husk or residue so that some nightmare creature may survive its shell.

And I’m completely freaked out.  I’ve seen movies about monsters that are born from regular pregnant women with no symptoms.  How do I know that I won’t be a host for a monster as well?  Not so much monster as in a maggot with claws, but a monster as in a baby that will grow into a serial killer, or a cannibal or something equally terrifying.  How could I cope with the knowledge that something I nourished, protected and then expelled from my body would grow up only to take the lives of others?

I’m sorry if talk like this freaks you out, but this is the only thing sticking to the inside of my head right now; images of a terrible fetus who is killing me slowly, but not so fast that I, the one who will nurse it, give it immunities and such, will be dead before it’s big enough to do awful things to other people.

This book definitely belongs on that list.

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Belly=Baby, Salem=Shelter, Kittens=Missing, Shipping=Sucks, Packing=Nervewracking.

First of all, I want to congratulate my sister on her new addition.  Hudson Nicholas was born on August 23rd at 9:02 a.m.  He weighed in at 8 lbs, 3.1 oz, and was 19.5 inches long.  At his check-up yesterday, he gained 4 oz.  He’s adorable.

This past week has been hectic, and I haven’t had access to internet, except for my Palm, and there’s no way I’m going to write a whole blog post on that.  I was way excited to get one, and they do prove to be a way to kill time.  I don’t think I spent more than an hour away from it while I was at my sister’s house.

On the way home yesterday, the piece of crap car I’ve been driving since my other broke down, broke down about an hour and a half from home.  I called dad, and he came to get me, but he thinks the fuel pump went out.  Just like my other car.  Fuel pumps hate me, apparently.  So, the plan to take Salem to the shelter today isn’t happening, unless a car magically shows up that I can use.  I’m not really sure when I’m going to be able to take him, but I only have a few days left until I leave, and I have to take him soon.

I’ve been packing/cleaning all morning, and I’m a little sick of it already.  I was sure that I could fit all I needed to fit in both of my suitcases, but it’s already looking pretty bleak.  I’ve already picked through everything once or twice, making sure I really do need to bring it, and there’s still too much stuff to shove in my one suitcase.  My carry on is almost bursting at the seams because I shoved so many clothes in, and that’s not even counting the laundry I’m doing now.  I’ve already eliminated most of my summer clothes from the bag, things like tank tops, because I have a million, but it didn’t take long to fill the space left by them.  And I was also planning on sending the big, bulky things, such as towels, blankets and my winter coat, but when I got everything to the post office, the guy told me that the boxes were unacceptable, and I had to repack, and alas, there was no room left for my coat.  So I brought it home, thinking that it wouldn’t be a huge deal to have to pack it.  But it is.  And I would take all these things to the post office, box them up, and send them off, but I have no car to GET to the post office.  Oh wait a second, even in this town of 17 people, there is one!  I should probably get out of the house, and go see if they have boxes that I can send a few more things in.  Because I don’t especially want to send all my jackets.  I have about 4 hoodies that I want to bring, and a regular jacket.  Don’t forget the winter coat, either.

When dad picked me up yesterday, I asked how my kittens were doing.  Turns out Cairo and Felix went missing a few days ago, and haven’t returned.  They were my favorites.  The three that are left (Addison, Phoenix, and Pirate) aren’t as friendly.

I also need to finish getting a loan, because I have that extra $4,000 I can’t afford to pay before I start school.  I finally found a loan that I can apply for on my own, without a co-signer, but I looked at it on my phone.  I need to look at it, read details, and looks at interest rates before I let myself get too excited about it.  I hope that the two weeks before school starts is enough time to get it finalized.

And that’s pretty much all that’s going on in my world these days.  I’ll try to keep you updated while I finish packing (hopefully…), get Salem to a shelter, and move away from Wyoming.  (I miss my nephews already.)

The Job Search…Flourishes!

Yesterday, while I was hanging out with Sam, he was describing the pain of breaking his arm to me, because I told him that I’d never broken a bone.

“Well, Daddy said he heard a pop and it hurt really, really, really bad.”  Sam says.

“Did you cry?”  I ask him.

“No, not until later.  But it really, really hurt.  It hurt more than having a baby!”

So, now you know.  Breaking both bones in your forearm hurts worse than having a baby.  You heard it here first.

While I was driving home from the ranch, (I also got another job offer from a guy that works up there…for a whole week!) it started pouring.  I’m not kidding.  It was like buckets upon buckets were being thrown down, and it was really hard to see because of the trees on either side of the road.  All the way home (15 minutes worth) I was thinking about how I had tied Salem outside before I left for the ranch at 2.  I really hoped someone was home and took pity on him and put him in his cage.

No luck.

He was sitting outside, with his shoulders up, completely, soaking wet.  When I pulled into the driveway, he got so excited, and I could see the water dripping from his sodden tail while he was wagging it.  I ran over under the tree (which offered no protection from the rain whatsoever) and untied him and he ran to his cage and jumped into his bed.  I ran as fast as possible inside, because I was wearing shorts and a tank top, because when I left for work, it was 75 degrees.  When I finally burst through the door, I saw Pat and Sean (cousin) watching T.V.  I was not happy.

“WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!  IT IS POURING RAIN AND YOU LEFT THE DOG OUTSIDE SITTING IN IT WITH NO SHELTER!”  Then I stomped to my room.

I changed, dried my hair, and combed it, then went to check the messages.  Turns out I had gotten a call from my babysitting ad, and Kayla wanted me to babysit today.  I couldn’t because I had already committed to cleaning.  I felt terrible for not being able to help her out.

At 8, I talked to Kyle and then went to bed.

I couldn’t sleep.  I kept rolling around, and jumping every time the thunder cracked.  Finally, I decided to lay a different way.  I tossed my pillow down to the foot of my bed, stripped the top blanket off the bed, and put my head where my feet were supposed to go.  I fall asleep.

At 1, I woke up and switched back to a normal sleeping position.

At 2, I was awake and I heard the door creaking, then it flew open.  My back was to it, and I kept saying in my head, “I don’t wanna see. I don’t wanna see.  I don’t wanna see.”  A few minutes later, it’s pulled shut.  I fall back asleep, my stomach quivering a tiny bit.

I wake up at 7.16, and get ready to go to work.  I also find the note that Pat left in my room last night (no ghosts ).  I make myself a bagel with lots of cream cheese, then leave.  I get to the chapel (that’s what I’m cleaning) early.

I spend a few hours cleaning (4) and Jackie tells me that since everything looks so good, she’s paying me for 7 hours.  There were so many flies in that place.  I’ll be dreaming about them for months.

But at least my college fund is growing. :)