Normally, rain/storms wake me when I’m sleeping. But last night, the rain kept me asleep, asleep until noon. The sky was still seeping when I left for Hulett, to cash my check from the weekend. It’s finally soaking in that I’m almost ready to leave.
College isn’t some foreign land that’s so far away anymore. Most of my friends have already moved, or are in the process of doing so. Although I still have a few weeks until my departure date, just the thought of orientation is enough to give me nervous little butterflies.
Here I am, a girl who has grown up in one of the smallest towns in the U.S., who has lived here basically all of her life, who has her roots; friends, family, life here. And here I am, leaving the security of familiarity to attend a college that I can’t afford to attend. I haven’t even decided what I want to major in. Some days, English, some days Anthropology; two very different ideas.
I’m scared, but I can’t admit to it. I can’t stay here all my life, and if I admit to being scared, I’ll feel validated enough to stay. I feel like everyone around me is waiting for me to fail, and I don’t want to prove them right. I need to go to prove I can. But right now, I’m having a hard time believing that proving them wrong is the right reason to go. The pursuit of knowledge is the right reason to go, but the only knowledge I’m pursuing is the knowledge that I proved everybody wrong.
This part of me wants to just leave. Not tell anyone, just leave, with the money I’ve saved, and the clothing I’ve packed. A one-way ticket to nowhere where I can be no one. I don’t want to meet anyone that has expectations of me. I don’t want to fail anyone, disappoint anyone. I’m old enough to leave, to live alone. I want to get rid of all traces of who I am, and become somebody else. I want to shave my head, and change my body however I can. I want to do something so unexpected, I won’t ever be able to forget. Tattoos and piercings in places I never thought I’d get them. Praying to God in a temple, eating some weird bug in a busy marketplace, hiking in a forest where I may get bitten by a poisonous snake and die without anyone knowing.
I know that I can’t do that, but sometimes, I just wish I could be so impulsive that I don’t even know what I’m going to do next.