Normally, rain/storms wake me when I’m sleeping.  But last night, the rain kept me asleep, asleep until noon.  The sky was still seeping when I left for Hulett, to cash my check from the weekend.  It’s finally soaking in that I’m almost ready to leave.

College isn’t some foreign land that’s so far away anymore.  Most of my friends have already moved, or are in the process of doing so.  Although I still have a few weeks until my departure date, just the thought of orientation is enough to give me nervous little butterflies.

Here I am, a girl who has grown up in one of the smallest towns in the U.S., who has lived here basically all of her life, who has her roots; friends, family, life here.  And here I am, leaving the security of familiarity to attend a college that I can’t afford to attend.  I haven’t even decided what I want to major in.  Some days, English, some days Anthropology; two very different ideas.

I’m scared, but I can’t admit to it.  I can’t stay here all my life, and if I admit to being scared, I’ll feel validated enough to stay.  I feel like everyone around me is waiting for me to fail, and I don’t want to prove them right.  I need to go to prove I can.  But right now, I’m having a hard time believing that proving them wrong is the right reason to go.  The pursuit of knowledge is the right reason to go, but the only knowledge I’m pursuing is the knowledge that I proved everybody wrong.

This part of me wants to just leave.  Not tell anyone, just leave, with the money I’ve saved, and the clothing I’ve packed.  A one-way ticket to nowhere where I can be no one.  I don’t want to meet anyone that has expectations of me.  I don’t want to fail anyone, disappoint anyone.  I’m old enough to leave, to live alone.  I want to get rid of all traces of who I am, and become somebody else.  I want to shave my head, and change my body however I can.  I want to do something so unexpected, I won’t ever be able to forget.  Tattoos and piercings in places I never thought I’d get them.  Praying to God in a temple, eating some weird bug in a busy marketplace, hiking in a forest where I may get bitten by a poisonous snake and die without anyone knowing.

I know that I can’t do that, but sometimes, I just wish I could be so impulsive that I don’t even know what I’m going to do next.


Can’t Catch Up On Sleep…

Eclipse was awesome!  The theater was packed for the showing at 7, and when Pat and I were walking out the door when it was over, there was a velvet rope holding back a multitude of people waiting to get in for the 9.15 showing.  And that’s in Spearfish!  I wonder what the theaters in bigger towns had to contend with..

I haven’t been used to driving very far, Hulett being about 10ish minutes away, and the drive to Spearfish (an hour) and back was exhausting.  We didn’t get back home until 10, and I tossed and turned (which has become a nightly ritual) until I was able to finally fall asleep at around midnight.  Soon after, I was woken up by thunder, and I lay in bed and shook a little, because I still can’t get over my fear of thunderstorms.

For being used to going to sleep at 9 every night, this is a huge deal.  This morning, I woke up pretty early (8) and read for a little bit, say 20 minutes.  (I finished “The Valley of Horses”, and just started on “The Mammoth Hunters”.)  I read for a tiny bit, and then went back to sleep.  Dad came in to see why I was still in bed at 1.30.  The rest of the day was ruined.  I fed the animals, hung out with the kittens, talked to Kyle for a bit, read some more, watched t.v. and now I’m ready to go back to bed.

What a day.

Last night, on Eclipse, Bella was wearing a hat in the scene where she’s going up into the mountains to wait out the fight with Edward, and the minute I saw the hat, I wanted it.  I looked for patterns online, but haven’t come up with anything.  And it’s grey and white in the movie, but the photos online show that it’s a light green.  So who knows.  If I could find a pattern, I would probably make me a hat.  I love knitting hats.

“Auel” the Way.

Yesterday, I stopped in at the library.  I gave up on “The Lord of the Rings”.  I did really enjoy reading them, but as the librarian told me, “they’re winter reading.”  I quite agree.

I returned to a series that I have read once or twice (actually, about 3 times) and I absolutely love.  “The Clan of the Cave Bear” is the first in the series.  I’m sure you’ve heard of it.  I’m kind of a fan, being that I own the (crappy!) movie.  I’m still waiting for the final book to come out.  (And I’ve been waiting for quite a while.)  The fan site told me a year ago that she was still writing it.  I checked today (and had to restrain myself from SCREAMING and DANCING) and the book will come out March 2011!  That’s less than a year!  That gives me time to read, and buy the rest of the series.  I love Jean M. Auel.

What authors do you enjoy reading?  What book (or books) can you read over and over, and enjoy every single time?

For me, it’s Jean M. Auel, “auel” the way. :)

Today, I’m going out to lunch with one of my teachers, Astrid, and then after that, we’re meeting some others in a coffee shop to discuss books.  We were supposed to read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I never got around to reading it.  I never had time.  I’m looking forward to seeing people from school again, because I’m going to be leaving in a few months, and not coming back for like, a year.

Last night, while I was reading “The Clan of the Cave Bear” (which I LOVE. I’m at the part where Ayla is learning names, and Mog-ur is doing the ceremony back to the very beginnings of life.), I heard poor Addison crying.  Apparently, Jasper didn’t know where to take her, and it was pouring rain.  I opened the back door a little bit, so they could take shelter in the porch, but I don’t know if they did or not, because at 12, when I had FINALLY gotten to sleep, I was woken up by these really long, high-pitched, drawn-out growls from the cats.  I lay there in bed listening to the growls, thinking about yelling at them, but not wanting to wake everyone up.  Finally, after hearing the two cats go at it, growling and hissing and dirt flying everywhere, I get up and “pssst!” out the window three times.  I hear them both run and hide, and I don’t wake up again during the night.

Maybe my camera will show up today while I’m gone at lunch, and I can take photos of what I’ve been dying to capture; poppies (almost dead by now), baby Addison, lush landscapes, and I’m sure I could find other things to photograph as well.  My posts have been in need of pictures, because all this plain text gets boring after a while.  It better show up before Florida…

The Job Search…Flourishes!

Yesterday, while I was hanging out with Sam, he was describing the pain of breaking his arm to me, because I told him that I’d never broken a bone.

“Well, Daddy said he heard a pop and it hurt really, really, really bad.”  Sam says.

“Did you cry?”  I ask him.

“No, not until later.  But it really, really hurt.  It hurt more than having a baby!”

So, now you know.  Breaking both bones in your forearm hurts worse than having a baby.  You heard it here first.

While I was driving home from the ranch, (I also got another job offer from a guy that works up there…for a whole week!) it started pouring.  I’m not kidding.  It was like buckets upon buckets were being thrown down, and it was really hard to see because of the trees on either side of the road.  All the way home (15 minutes worth) I was thinking about how I had tied Salem outside before I left for the ranch at 2.  I really hoped someone was home and took pity on him and put him in his cage.

No luck.

He was sitting outside, with his shoulders up, completely, soaking wet.  When I pulled into the driveway, he got so excited, and I could see the water dripping from his sodden tail while he was wagging it.  I ran over under the tree (which offered no protection from the rain whatsoever) and untied him and he ran to his cage and jumped into his bed.  I ran as fast as possible inside, because I was wearing shorts and a tank top, because when I left for work, it was 75 degrees.  When I finally burst through the door, I saw Pat and Sean (cousin) watching T.V.  I was not happy.


I changed, dried my hair, and combed it, then went to check the messages.  Turns out I had gotten a call from my babysitting ad, and Kayla wanted me to babysit today.  I couldn’t because I had already committed to cleaning.  I felt terrible for not being able to help her out.

At 8, I talked to Kyle and then went to bed.

I couldn’t sleep.  I kept rolling around, and jumping every time the thunder cracked.  Finally, I decided to lay a different way.  I tossed my pillow down to the foot of my bed, stripped the top blanket off the bed, and put my head where my feet were supposed to go.  I fall asleep.

At 1, I woke up and switched back to a normal sleeping position.

At 2, I was awake and I heard the door creaking, then it flew open.  My back was to it, and I kept saying in my head, “I don’t wanna see. I don’t wanna see.  I don’t wanna see.”  A few minutes later, it’s pulled shut.  I fall back asleep, my stomach quivering a tiny bit.

I wake up at 7.16, and get ready to go to work.  I also find the note that Pat left in my room last night (no ghosts ).  I make myself a bagel with lots of cream cheese, then leave.  I get to the chapel (that’s what I’m cleaning) early.

I spend a few hours cleaning (4) and Jackie tells me that since everything looks so good, she’s paying me for 7 hours.  There were so many flies in that place.  I’ll be dreaming about them for months.

But at least my college fund is growing. :)