Backspace

I’m alone in my room right now, all I hear is the sound of cars driving by.  I want to write, but my head is all blocked up.
…BACKSPACE.  (I’ve written a paragraph but I hate how it sounds.)
Everything I write is overly dramatic.
…BACKSPACE. (And when I add onto that statement, I sound like I’m 12 years old and cutting again.)
Here’s what’s been going on in my life:

We got our reward letters for next year about a week ago.  As many know, college tuition goes up every year.  This year, here at North Central, it’s gone up about $2,000.  My reward letter granted me about $26,000.  One year of attending this place is around $40,000.  If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know me, and my money situation.  My parents didn’t save up for my college education.  My parents didn’t even go to college.  I’m on my own.  Dad isn’t paying for my college; I’m working through this by myself.
This both freaks me out and makes me proud.

It’s possible to work through college; hundreds of people have done it.  But without banks letting me get loans (I don’t have that all-important co-signer), the leftover, i.e. what I have to pay, is too much.
I’ve been thinking about going home, but the thought of switching colleges has made me feel like a failure.  I know if I go home, I’ll get caught up in something that won’t allow me to finish college.  I know too many people there and I feel like they’ll pull me down.  I didn’t do much in high school because (I thought) no one wanted to do anything with me.  But now that I’ve talked to classmates, I found out that I wasn’t a pariah; people tried to get a hold of me to invite me, but couldn’t get through (DIAL-UP INTERNET).  If I went back to that, a place where I felt accepted, school would get pushed to the wayside, especially if I didn’t have to pay (and that was the deal: a free-ride).  I feel like, even though I have no friends here, and I’m stressed to pay for this school, I’m in a good place; a place that I will get through because I have no distractions.  It’s scary, being here without my family, but it’s manageable.

Now, delete all of that stress and fast-forward to yesterday.  I found that I just had to “accept” financial aid, and I’m up to $33,000 (which is what I have this year).  It’s payable (I don’t have a whole lot left over for fun stuff, but I’m handling it, barely).  Add to that the fact that I have $65 in my savings account.  My $1,400 tuition payment is due next month.  STRESS.

I feel like if I talk about this next thing, it’ll go sour and I won’t be as lucky anymore, but I’ll risk it.  I was contacted to be a nanny in Naperville this summer.  It’s a live-in position, plus car, pay, and a set-schedule (allowing me to get a side job, as well).  I was supposed to meet with the lady today, but a gymnastic accident put her daughter in the hospital, and we’re meeting on Monday instead.  Send me good thoughts.  I need this.

As of today, there’s only nineteen days until I get to go home.  I get to see my friends, my puppy (that’s not a puppy, and not mine anymore), and my family.

On the reading front.  I haven’t had much time to read, but I what time I do have, I try to get through “The Land of Painted Caves“.  I have to be honest, you guys, and saying this makes my heart hurt, but.  I hate it.  I’m not sure if I hate it because it’s the last one, or just because the storyline sucks.  (Seriously, in one paragraph, Ayla is holding her baby, the next paragraph, with no extra space, her baby is now 4 years old and talking.)  I feel like Jean Auel rushed through this just to get it published and to get herself some money.  There’s no planning, and it’s just, bad.  There’s also way too many numbers to keep track of, and the characters act different than they’re supposed to.  I’m glad I have it, and I am going to finish it, but I’m probably going to complain.  A lot.

In this past week, I’ve watched some of the Disney movies that have been on my Watch List.  Pocahontas 2 (which was extremely racist and not good at all.), Mulan 2 (better than Pocahontas but it was just too much), and Beauty and the Beast: Belle’s Magical World.  You guys know how much I love Disney, and Belle.  But this movie was GODAWFUL.  Belle acted like a snobby prude, and Beast acted like a huge asshole (pardon my language) to her the entire time.  I couldn’t even get through the entire thing.  I literally stopped it after about thirteen minutes, and put in the original Beauty and the Beast (which I cried about, and I’m not ashamed to admit it).  I checked out “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” one and two today from the library, and I hope they aren’t bad.  (I don’t have much hope for the second one, but both Kyle and my roommate, who is a HUGE Disney buff, even owning stock in the company, say that it’s one of the best.)

I hope you’ll all forgive me for my lack of posting, and hopefully, after this weekend (WORKING from pretty much 7:30 am to 10 pm Saturday and 11 to 4 on Sunday) I’ll be able to write.  This might have been the writer’s block being stabbed in the face with an icepick.

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Appalachian Trail/Tuesday Questions

I went to a speaker today for my People and Nature class, and he talked about hiking the Appalachian trail (all 2100 miles of it) in 2008.  That makes me want to hike it.

Onto the questions!

1.) Mood: Blah.  I’m not having a bad day, but it’s not fantastic either.

2.) What was your first car?  Are you still driving it?  If not, what happened to make you not drive it?  My first car was a hand-me-down from my dad; a bright teal Oldsmobile Achieva.  I loved that car to death even though it was pretty beat up.  I’m not still driving it because it was the unfortunate casualty in my car wreck.

3.) What’s your favorite book this year?  I’m having a hard time getting into “The Land of Painted Caves” (which is awful!  But I just can’t finish it knowing that there is nothing else coming after this one), but I’ve really enjoyed re-reading all of Jean M Auel’s other books.

4.) Current nail polish:  I have absolutely NOTHING on my nails…It feels nice and freeing!

5.) What T.V. show are you addicted to?  (Or have been addicted to?)  I’m in love with The Tudors because I love the story of Henry the 8th and his wives.

6.) How do you get your exercise?  I don’t.  I need to start working out, but I always miss the fitness classes, or I skip them because I don’t want to go alone.  But the walk from my People and Nature class back to my dorm is exhausting; up the hill.

7.) Current outfit: Coral and white striped maxi dress from Kohl’s.  I loooooove it.

8.) What perfume are you wearing the most this season (so far)?  I’m loving Bath and Body Work’s Secret Wonderland still.  It’s a winter smell, but I love how it smells.  And it has amber in it which is pretty much my signature scent.

9.) What pajamas are you currently sporting to bed?  I’ve been wearing an old shirt of Kyle’s with either my NCC capris (that are homemade) or linen plaid pants.

10.) Weekly goals:  Do well on the math test on Thursday, and get through the rest of the week.

Tuesday Questions

(I did this Tuesday night but posted it on Wednesday!  I’ve been super busy…can you blame me?)

1.) Mood: Tired and a bit sore, and a little bit stressed because I have so much school work to do.

2.) Relationship status: Single, In a Relationship, or Complicated? In a relationship :)

3.) How old were you when you had your first kiss? This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but Kyle was my first kiss, and I believe I was 17.

4.) Current nail polish: Just clear! My nails have had so much nail polish on them this week that they started peeling off with the polish.  Not good.

5.) Do you like Valentine’s Day? I used to hate it, but since I got a boyfriend, I like it now.  It also helps that it marks our anniversary.

6.) Describe your perfect date. Something fin that makes both people happy.  I loved going out for sushi last night with Kyle and just talking and seeing a movie with him (The Eagle, and I thought it was pretty good, if you were wondering.)

7.) Current outfit: Refugee jeans and an American Eagle grey shirt.

8.) Do you like Sweetheart message candies? I don’t like the chalky ones, but I like the sourish ones.

9.) Do you have any special plans for today? Today is over (well, when you read this, it will just be starting…), but I’m hoping to get started on some papers that are due very soon.

10.) Weekly goals: Get papers started (done?), film a haul video with the stuff I got at Ulta (I got a reward certificate for something free, so I may go pick that up before filming), and enjoy the week.  Finish my book, start my new one and keep up on blogging.

P.S. You guys! There’s only

until I get to read the new one!  I better hurry and finish the two right away! :)

My Goals and My Adventures With Water Marbling

I feel like I’ve been majorly missing from this blog, but I’ve posted every day this month so far.  I still have quite a bit to tell, and show, you.

First of all, I’ve been nursing this “goal” lately, to go to bed earlier.  Lately, I’ve been going to bed later and later and I’m starting to feel (and look!) extremely worn out.  So I set a goal for myself to start going to bed at 9:30 p.m. every night.

The first night, I missed the goal because I was up working on a paper due the next day.

I missed it last night because I was working on Latin homework which took a lot longer than I expected.

So far, this goal is not successful, but I am in bed earlier than usual (about 10:30).

My next goal will be to workout more so I can fall asleep easier.

Now I can show you my water marbled nails.  (Youtube water marble nails to see how I did it.)

(I did this with the brand new nail polishes I got at Ulta yesterday, all NYC: Little Italy, Bryant Park, and Fifth Avenue, as well as another I already had, Mulberry Street.  I’ll do some nail of the days with the new colors.  The thumb and pinkie nails are the best.)

As for my RA interview…I don’t want to talk about it yet.  I can’t tell if it went really bad or really good, so I’m waiting it out.

I also finally finished “The Mammoth Hunters”, started “The Plains of Passage” and I’m eagerly awaiting “The Land of Painted Caves”.

Open Letter

Dear guy in Mythology class

You might not think it’s weird, but saying that dogs taste really good is not normal, it’s actually really strange.  The “ew”s and groans when you said that were pretty much indicative of the fact that you are an outcast in this class.  People in America do not eat dogs.  We love our dogs and talking about eating them makes enemies.  Chinese people may eat dogs, but we do not.  (Repeat this mantra to yourself.)

I know you were in China for a month, but c’mon, you were raised in America, you should know these things.  I would think that you said that for the shock value, but I saw the look in your eyes when you said, “they taste reeeallyy good.”  You actually like the taste of dogs.  But even the statement, “I don’t like dogs to begin with”, didn’t help your case any.  Some people don’t like cats (I do like them), but that doesn’t mean they think about eating them.

Be less weird, dude.  Also, stop dropping your bag (which happens to be chock full of books about Chinese), on my feet.

Sincerely, Cassandra

P.S.

Until I get my new book!

Goosebumps

I could write an unlimited number of open letters to the boy in my Mythology class.  It seems like every little thing that he does annoys me (and not only me; when he raises his hand, there are mutterings from around the classroom).  You don’t have to say, “I have a little bit of a question about…” when you raise your hand.  It is assumed that you have a question if the teacher says, “Any questions?” and you raise your hand.

Anyways, I’m about 20 pages from finishing “We Need to Talk About Kevin” and with every page I turn, I get goosebumps.  Each sentence has the ability to completely shock me, but I’m still enjoying it.  I’ve finally gotten to the point in the story where the school massacre happens.  Before, it was only alluded to; Thursday.  Everything leading up to this gives a good foundation to the wrong-ness that Eva (the mother) feels when she thinks about Kevin.  Even when he was a baby, she knew that there was something wrong with him; not only because she couldn’t bond to him, but because he seemed to play her emotions.  By the time he is 14, she can give examples about everything that is not normal.

I can’t promise a review, because I’m not very good at them, but I will say that it took time (and willingness) to read a book like this.  It’s no wonder it made the list (although I’ve said many different times by now).

I would recommend this book to everyone reading this, sure or unsure about children.  It has a haunting beauty about it; written perfectly to extract every bit of the reader’s emotions.  It may not be your cup of tea, but it definitely deserves your attention.  You’ll thank me when you finish it, because I’ve read a bunch of books, and none compare to this one.

A perfect amount of time to read the rest of the series.